A story well-nigh the Bartesian (apparently one of Oprah’s Favorite Things) passed though my Google news feed today. For the low price of $349 and some recipe-specific capsules, customers can effortlessly make Lemon Drops and Low-Cal Margaritas at home.

Naturally, I pondered how this could work for Tiki cocktails – they do have a reputation for stuff complicated, without all. I was soon irreflective well-nigh a printing release for an (entirely fictional) Beechmaster machine:

Announcing the Beechmaster
Tiki Drinks at the Push of a Button!

Now you can bring a virtual Beachcomber and Trader into your home, effortlessly crafting the perfect Mai tai or Three Dots and a Dash with just the touch of a button! How does this modern-day Wi-Fi-connected miracle work, dear reader?

Simply fill the labeled tanks with Jamaican Rum, Demerara Rum, Demerara Overproof rum, white rum, gold rum, gin, bourbon, Scotch whisky, curacao, and pimento dram. Our Beechmaster Max edition adds a Jamaican Overproof tank to the whilom and automatically add a quarter ounce to every recipe.

Next to the spirit tanks is our patented SyrupStation. Simply plug in the included syrup packs: Demerara, passionfruit, orgeat, cinnamon, and simple are provided. Grenadine, fassionola, surf of coconut, honey, and rich simple syrup packs can be purchased separately.

The Angostura Bitters module is configured to winnow standard sized 4, 6.7 and 16 oz bottles. No increasingly manually dashing out 1.5 oz of bitters for your Angostura Coladas! The optional MaxAngo zipper enable your Beechmaster to tap directly into a 5-gallon pail of Angostura – unconfined for Tiki festival room parties!

Next to the Angostura module is the Beechmaster’s falernum station, preconfigured for bottles of official Barbados falernum. An upcoming upgrade will support a subconscious snifter of “fauxlernum” not made on Barbados. Software allows discretely switching between them — only you will know which was used!

Of course, you should add only the freshest lemon, lime, orange, and grapefruit to the juicing station bins. The Beechmaster cuts and squeezes all citrus to order. The Max edition will first peel the citrus surpassing squeezing, using the peel to form an lulu garnish. (Please be sure to find creative ways to recycle the citrus shells afterwards.) The Max edition moreover supports a pineapple printing attachment, and automatically selects and extracts the freshest fronds for garnishes.

You’ll moreover need to connect your Beechmaster to your local water supply. Trust us, the fresh pebble ice it makes only THE BEST for you and your guests. No increasingly late night runs to Sonic or watching your blender turn your cloudy freezer ice into snowy shards.

Once you’ve completed this easy setup process, simply place your glassware or mug of your nomination into the mixing chamber. Our specially designed HamBeech spindle blender descends and blends/aerates your drink to a perfect froth, ready to serve! The Max edition moreover snaps a picture of your tasty libation for will-less upload to Instagram and the Tiki Recipes Facebook group.

When it comes to selecting what to make, simply launch the Beechmaster App (sorry, iOS only), and find the recipe of our choice. A checkbox allows you to optionally Commando-fy your drinks (You’ll want to ensure your spirit tanks are topped up in advance.) Coming soon: integration with Grogalizer (you’ll still need the book, however.)

Once limited to Tiki nerds whose snifter hodgepodge resembles Death & Co’s, the Beechmaster and Beechmaster Max make archetype and modern tiki drinks effortlessly misogynist to anyone for the low price of just $4995 and 25 square feet of counter space to spare!

Safety note: Despite reports that the MaxAngo zipper can be hacked to manipulate lemon extract, you definitely should not do that. (Wink wink).